Gripping it

I learned a lot yesterday…. Thankfully I opened my eyes to this wonderful Monday! Here are my thoughts from last night.I’m usually pretty care free, and a go with the flow person. At least I like to think I am. I like to think that I allow things to unfold, and believe the universe is unfolding as it should. Sometimes I am that way, but mostly, even though I look as if I’m a mellow wife, and mom to my four children, (two adult children and 13 year old twins) homeschooling, going for runs, practicing yoga and all, I am not always that way. I sometimes find myself gripping  things really tightly. I hold on and have a hard time letting go. It’s been my battle in life, and a real struggle for me some days. I do know why, and I see it all so clearly. But sometimes it just creeps up without my knowing. I’ve been through some awful times. Some horrific things have happened to me and my life has been very out of control in the past. You’d think I’d know better, and that I’d get it by now. Well, I sort of do. But, it doesn’t always stop me when major change happens, or when things get difficult. My need to hold on and prepare myself for what ever may be coming my way, creeps back in and I feel the grip begin to happen. The only difference, is that now I do my best to make it look as if I’m at ease through it all. I’ve always done that, but now I know how to make it appear natural and as if it’s the norm. The house is perfect, the chores are always done and I have everything planned and together. I guess I’m a pretty successful control freak! See, I like to keep things in order, and having everything just so. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But, If I have things in order and looking flawless, maybe, just maybe, no one will know that really, on the inside, I’m stressed or worried or overwhelmed. Or maybe I’m none of those things, but unknowingly, preparing myself for when I will be.

You think I’d know better after being through all I’ve been through. Being through a divorce, and having my ex-husband and the father of my two older children, lose his mind and completely become psychotic. You’d think that after having to leave our home for safety, being completely dependent on friends to shelter us and keep us safe, til I could get back on my feet to care for my kids and start over, that I would realize I have no control. None. I came to a point where I had to completely let go, and let God rule over me. I had to get flat on my face and surrender.  Just for my sanity, I had to let go. Maybe it was because I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Maybe, I knew I needed to be held up and carried.  I did, and I was. I have tried to stay there, in that sweet spot. Praying to Him, surrendering to Him. depending on Him. Sometimes though, I do it obsessively. Praying for peace, and asking over and over again, in a desperate way, is not praying for peace. It’s really being controlling and faithless.

A year ago our family made a move. A HUGE move. I had to say goodbye to my older children, who I never thought I’d be apart from, and never had until this point. They had lived at home for their entire lives until this time. We said goodbye to friends, our hybrid homeschool we loved, all we called home and all that was comfortable for the last 20 some years, and moved away for a new job, for my husband. We moved to a new state not knowing one person, a street name, or anything. My older daughter moved in with friends, started planning her wedding and new life without me. My son found a place to live with friends, became independent, and we all went our own ways. Painfully, but  joyfully as well, as we all looked at it, as if it was meant to be. We all forced ourselves to look at our situation as if the glass were more than half full. For the most part, it has all been good. Many life lessons have been learned, and many needed moments have come about that have challenged and changed us all for the better.

Right now though, today, our family is going through another change. And the worst kind for someone like me. It’s all unknown. Totally, completely, unknown. As in, everything is changing again. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, with where we will live, or what we will be doing, and it’s freaking me out. It was just week ago, when I was cheering everyone else on, and being the upbeat positive one, keeping it all together.  My older son teases me for being a hippie, philosophical, Jesus loving yogi, that has to find the good in everything. Well, not so much today. Everything has changed. The job that brought us here, and took us away from all we loved is now no more. And I’m gripping and holding on again. Holding on tightly to the point where my muscles hurt and ache. My dreams are chaotic, I’m controlling every little detail of my life, and I am praying obsessively again. Just in the last two days it has all come to a head. And I finally, out of no where, allowed myself to say, “this sucks!” And for me, who doesn’t curse, that is saying a lot! (well, I lie. I drop the F bomb in an argument with my husband once in a blue moon. lol!)  This does suck. It’s not easy. It’s not all good. And maybe it’s not all meant to be. Maybe we aren’t walking in His will. Although, I’ve been told we are always in His will. I don’t know. I’ll never have the answer to that. I do know, that I need to listen to my spirit.  I need to let go. Sometimes I need to get flat on my face. Head down. Face in the carpet. Not in a child’s pose doing yoga, not cause I’m tired, and flopped down on my pillow, but completely empty, completely wasted away, completely dependent and humble with my face flat down on the ground seeking Him.  I’ve given my husband advice, cheering him on, telling him to remain humble, and put his arms out to receive, and let the rest go. I told him to find the goodness in it all. It was as if I didn’t even want him to feel, or worry, or be upset. Which is so unlike me. I’m all about everyone having their feelings heard, and met, and cared for. I’m all about tending to everyone. But, with this one situation, this time, I didn’t want him to feel upset or worried.  I knew that if he did, for some reason, It would make ME feel. I knew it would unravel everything that I had been feeling, but suppressing, about all the changes that have happened because of the move, and how it has affected me. But I know, I do know, that most of this is not even about me. It’s was about my daughter getting married, and being able to plan her wedding, on her own, with me being so far away, and removed, and having everything be totally and completely out of my control. And then realizing that she could accomplish so much without me. How beautifully humbling. It all turned out to be so beautiful, and perfect, and treasured, and that our time together was more meaningful than if I had ever been with her, every step of the way. It was about my son moving out, and living in an area that I thought wasn’t safe, or right for him, yet watching him grow and face challenges and become a strong young man, independent of me.  I would have tried to “rescue” him, and change things, and comfort him to make things better. But, that controlling way would have kept him from experiencing all he was able to do on his own. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I was away. I was removed. Hidden. God took me out, and He pulled me aside. He knew I would grip to tightly, I would have suffocated them, and not let them blossom and grow and let them be who they needed to be. I wanted everything to be smooth and easy. I didn’t want them to hurt or struggle. Why?! Why would I want that? They needed to lean on friends, and do things on their own, and pave their own way.  They needed to do things without me. I know where this flaw of mine comes from. I do. When life fell apart for us, I protected them and tried to make things just so, so they would never be hurt. Well, being hurt isn’t a bad thing. It’s how I have grown and blossomed. So why wouldn’t I want that for them?

I have learned so much. Yet, while in a whirlwind of change, I have been gripping again. I’m still trying to make things right, comfortable and easy for everyone. I’m trying to have everything just so. But, a couple days ago, I hit a wall. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was so worried, and upset and stressed that I said out loud, “this all sucks!” and with that, all my emotions unraveled in a horrible way. I became angry, and bitter, worrisome and fearful. Mostly in my head, cause you know, I still had to appear to have everything under control. But, I held on, so much so, that there couldn’t be a crumb on the floor, a chore undone, or a thing out of place. What is that all about?! So much so, that there couldn’t be any room for anything out of order, or out of my control. But what good is that?! God can’t do anything with that. He can’t. (Well, of course He can! But you know…) And even when I think it’s me doing what needs to be done, or me keeping things just so, for everyone else, well, that gets a little tricky, a little messy in my mind. Because I know that really, its a lie. See, I don’t want anyone, or myself being uncomfortable. But things right now are uncomfortable, and they are painful. Being away from my children, friends and life I loved, is difficult to say the least. My heart aches, and I am stressed. But I’m realizing today, that it’s okay to feel this way.

So I sang, and I ran, and I did yoga today. And I might even have a little tequila later. But, none of these things are going to be the answer for me. None of these things solve a problem or make it easier.  They may help for sure, they do!  I certainly will not be satisfied, and I certainly won’t be okay for the long run. They are temporary. What is not temporary, though, and is eternal, and is at my fingertips every moment of the day, day or night, is Him. At three in the morning I can’t go outside for a run, (it’s too dark for me.) and I probably won’t be practicing yoga in my living room either, cause I’d be to tired. And I probably won’t have a drink of tequila, cause I’m not a drinker, and I’d rather have peanut butter and almond milk at 3am anyway. What I did do today, that is eternal, is get on my face, again. I got on my face, flat on the floor, and I emptied it all out.  And for that moment, it was so good. For that moment I could feel Him fill me. I felt Him restore my soul. I felt Him shape my thinking, I felt Him give me strength, and a reason to smile. I saw His purpose, just for today, not for months… how silly is that to think? Not for years… how lofty is that? But just for today. Just for today, I turned to him and found what I needed most.  When I laid there, and opened my arms, and said, “fill me, just for this moment God, let your spirit fill me, and take away what I don’t need. Take away what is not good for me… I surrender it to you. I surrender the negativity. I surrender the fear. I surrender the judgement. I surrender my critical spirit, that pretends not to be critical.” I found my peace. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I wait, and I rest. Because tomorrow, will come, (God willing) and  I’ll wake up, take a breath, loosen my grip a bit, and allow things to be. Things may not be better, and I know there will be difficulty ahead. My problems are little in comparison to so many.  Yet, I know, that no matter what comes my way, and no matter how drastic the changes are, I can remind myself that I have been carried before, and I will be carried again. I just may have to lay down, and get on my face and loosen my grip.