Whisper

I’d give anything to warm my winter body out in the sun today. Should I add hemp and macadamia nuts, or Brazil nuts to my power balls? Should we go take pictures of the Alpaca down the street, after our studies today? Easy breezy, friendly thoughts, were rolling through my mind, as I cleaned the house. Then, out of no where, like a flash flood, negative thoughts began to run through my mind, one after the other. Like the time I didn’t keep my word with a friend, and the time I snuck out, and ran off to the beach in the middle of the night, and in high school, when I threw a party and 75+ “friends” showed up, (along with the police), and there was the time I took the car, and went joy riding around the island without my license… on and on…the thoughts kept coming, and some were not anything I’d want to share.

I was having a lovely day, thinking happy thoughts, when these negative thoughts, that I had tucked away and given up, surfaced again. More thoughts entered in, and slowly my mood changed. I stopped singing and began thinking a bit too deeply, (as I do). This wasn’t a first, this had happened before, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I used to have this reel running through my head, over and over, usually at the worst possible time. I’d wind up feeling guilty or wishing I had done something differently. You’ve had this happen, right? When you’re tired, snuggled up in bed, drifting off to sleep, and the unwelcome thoughts begin to settle in. Or while driving in the car alone, enjoying a little quiet time, or maybe, it’s after you speak with your parent, and they say that one particular thing, that takes you right back to a time you’d rather not think about. You know what I’m talking about. You start over thinking things. You remember a guy, or girl who treated you horribly. Or the lie you told your friend, or spouse, or the way you backed out of something, and didn’t keep your word. Or maybe for you, it was the night you drank too much, and lost your temper. Or worst of all, you start thinking negatively about your weight, and your appearance, comparing yourself to others. The list goes on and on. Then, that voice emerges. We all have that voice, that creeps up, out of no where, and starts running through our mind. The one that finds its way in, without permission, that doesn’t seem to remember it’s not invited. It’s that voice, we all know, all to well.  The voice we should ignore, but listen to anyway. It’s not kind or friendly and it’s definitely not welcome, but it still comes on in, every time. Well, it was unexpected and uninvited today. I tried to push it aside, and move on. But, as I was cleaning the dirt, and mess, I started to see myself as THAT mess, and heard that voice begin to make its way into my mind. Not an audible voice, but the one you know all to well, that nags, and taunts you.

Seriously? I’m having a great day! I’m in a good place. What’s going on? I thought for a minute. I paused. And then I remembered. Capture it Kira. Capture it. And with that, I said NO. Nope. Not today. Not gonna happen. Don’t you remember Kira? Don’t you remember who you are? Just then, I remembered the new song, my daughter just told me about, and turned it on, right then and there. I played Who You Say I am, by Hillsong, as loud as I could.  I took a deep breath, cleared my thoughts, and began to sing. And just like that, His Spirit moved on in. Have you had this happen? I’m sure you have. It’s a wave of peace and love that sweeps over every single part of your being, and comforts you. It’s a calming that takes over, and stills your heart and mind. If you listen carefully, you can hear His whisper that gently says, “I say who you are.”

I used to be so frustrated, and consumed with why I couldn’t rid of certain memories, or let go of past hurts. I’d pray, meditate, run, journal, eat a bag of sweet potato chips, (yep, you know the kind), stand on my head, (yes. stand on my head) or just lay down cry. I would seek ways to alleviate the thoughts, that kept me from seeing myself the way He saw me. Some days it was a struggle. But, then one day, I learned how to capture those thoughts, and replace them with His thoughts. The Word says, in Isaiah 55:8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” I am learning to believe that I am who He says I am. I am not the thoughts that come against me. I am not insecure, afraid or weak. He doesn’t see me as I sometimes see myself. He sees me as His lovely, amazing creation, and loves me for who I am in Him. Most days, I walk with my head held high, wearing my sparkling, imaginary crown. Yet, there are days, because I’m human, and in need of reminders and affirmation, that I ask Him to whispered in my ear. I don’t think I could ever come close to sharing, or expressing all that my spirit hears, and knows from Him. But I do know, it’s more powerful and beautiful than your mind could ever realize, or comprehend. If you ask, and listen carefully, you’ll hear Him whispering the name He first called you. And you will melt in a puddle of grace, overcome by the sweetness of His love for YOU. I pray you will ask Him today, to remind you of that name. I promise you, you will put on your crown and walk with your head held high!

Yes, I will struggle with my thoughts every now and then, and so will you. Some days they creep in out of no where, uninvited.  Just like today. The difference now, is that I know to how to capture those thoughts, and call them out as the lies they are. I remind myself of who He says I am, take captive His thoughts, and invite them in, every. single. time.