Never Enough

I was driving home yesterday morning, listening to the song  Never Enough, from the Greatest Showman soundtrack, (if you haven’t heard it. Do listen.) and started weeping like a baby. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the lyrics, or just that it is a beautiful, powerful, emotional song. But, I cried. The kind of cry you have where one minute you are bawling, and then next, you start laughing out loud, all at the same time. The mix of emotions were wonderful though!  If you ask my children they will say this is an odd thing about me for sure. I laugh after I discipline in a serious moment. I laugh in the middle of an argument with my husband. (not good). I laugh after crying, and I laugh at myself when I screw up. I know. Weird. But laughing and crying at the same time is not such a bad thing. It’s pretty cathartic if you ask me. It’s renewing and recharging. And that- that is exactly what I need.

That’s kind of where I am right now. Realizing that there really never will be enough here on this side of heaven.  It’s been an incredibly emotional year for my family. My move here to Kentucky, leaving our children, friends, and all our comforts, to a new city, knowing no one, has brought about more emotions for myself, than I have experienced in a long time.  Amazing positive emotions, and lonely sad ones to name a few. But, things have now quickly and abruptly changed, and for sure, I am all about seeing the goodness in everything. Because a grateful heart leaves little room for sadness or regret. We moved here with that thought in mind, to look for goodness, and have surely found it to be true. Seek and ye shall find. I get it now. For real.

Change is not something anyone in our family likes. We don’t. We like comfortable, predictable and knowing what’s next. Even though we are up for adventure, and love trying new things, and looked at this move that way, we secretly still like things -just so. Life’s not like that though. Change happens in a blink of an eye, and for so many people, it can be difficult to say the least. This change has been a struggle, but one that has been amazingly life-giving, challenging, meaningful beyond our wildest expectations, and full of lessons we’ve learned, that we wouldn’t trade for the world.

What I’ve learned, is that there will never be a perfect place. There will never be enough. Not enough of anything. Because we sure moved to a perfect, dreamy home, where horses would trot by at sunset, the kids would walk down the street for art classes, and in to town for gelato, all by themselves. (which is rare these days) And street parties, concerts in the park, and bbq’s were the norm. This lovely place in Kentucky, where we found peace, fun-filled days and nights, new amazing friends, gorgeous land, and of course incredible food,  (for a foodie like me, cause that really matters!) and yet still our hearts were not completely filled. Our struggle was now different from being in Georgia, where we were wanting to find a new home, and be in a place that we’d like better, thinking that their would be somewhere we would be happier, more satisfied, and that that would be enough. Our struggle was now, that we were in a “better place”, but our hearts were still aching and missing something. There was an emptiness because we were missing our family and friends and all that we truly loved. I really struggled with what this was all about, and kept wondering if we should stay here, or go back to Georgia. I kept wondering if this emptiness would leave, and we’d learn to love our new life here in Kentucky. Maybe we would…. who knows. The Kentucky grass IS greener! But, what I have realized, is that the saying, “home is where the heart is,” IS REAL.  My  girlfriend, sent me a picture of a sign, while I was struggling with this concept. It said, “Where we love is truly home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” That said it all to me. The emptiness I felt, (we felt), was because our hearts were still at home. Home in Georgia. Home where we loved. Home where our loved ones were. Here, we were experiencing all that we desired, but still, it still wasn’t enough. So what would be enough? Would a beach house in Hawaii be enough? A farm-house in the country with goats be enough? (maybe!) Would more money, more friends, more you fill in the blank, be enough? No. It wouldn’t.

Trust me. The struggle has been real. The nights of secretly crying myself to sleep were real. Watching my younger kids experience missing their siblings, school and friends, was difficult. But what we soon discovered, was that no matter where we were, whatever we would be doing, who we would be with, or however much money we were blessed with, that it would never be enough. Being home with family and friends will be enough for now. For sure! And I will be toasting to it all day long, (with a very tasty lilikoi tequila cocktail) when I finally unpack may bags and return the next week!  But, will it be enough forever? If my children decide to move away, or my friends leave, or someone dies, and things change again, the emotions will come back, and nothing here, ever, ever, will be enough to completely fill the space in my heart that will be left empty again. We aren’t designed for that completeness. Not here. The longing I experienced, won’t completely be filled, even with all those I love, and all I desire close to me. The yearning for more love, more closeness, more safety, more romance, more comfort, will never end, and will never be filled completely. Because there just isn’t enough on this planet, to fill the entirety of my heart.

What is enough though, will be on the other side of this earth, realm, world, or life we live in. What will be enough, is the everlasting, harmonious, heavenly promised land. And hopefully, that is a ways away, as we have a lot of living to do! So here’s to change, uncertainty, and not knowing. Here’s to living life fully without regrets, and being content with where you are! Cheers!