A New Year is here! With that most of us embrace this time as a time of new beginnings and great hope in anticipation for all that is ahead of us. Somehow though many of us are carrying into the new year things we rather not. Things we experienced last year or from times past that we would rather forget or rid of from our memory, still seem to be right here with us. These memories or experiences can weigh us down or taint our future where we want to bring goodness and joy into our lives or the lives of others. I’m learning this year, better than before, to take these seemingly negative things that have happened and turn them into something beautiful, new and meaningful, that will shape my life in ways that are hopeful and good for others.

I was looking at our Christmas tree last night, as we counted down to the New Year (and yes, I stayed home in my yoga pants watching movies!) and noticed just how bright, sparkling and gorgeous it was. I just love our tree! It’s not amazing as some I’ve seen in images, but it’s perfect to me.  I just sat there staring at the glimmering lights and realized I’d be taking it down and packing away the ornaments and lights to end the season in just a few days.  The tree would then sit there stark and wilting, ready to be recycled and thrown back into the earth never to be seen again. The ornaments though, old and new, would be delicately wrapped, tucked away, and put in a safe place for keeping until next year when we will buy a new green gorgeous tree to redecorate and to celebrate God willing once again.

Our troubles, stressors, or pains from this past year are kind of like the Christmas tree. Really, the tree in itself  is beautiful, alive and perfectly made, green and full of life. It’s a tree! It comes just as it is, and truly doesn’t need an ornament or light to be beautiful and complete. We come into this world this way also. We are beautiful and complete, lacking nothing really.  Well, not entirely right?  We are lacking. Our journey here is meant for so much more. We have much to do and much to experience to truly be complete and whole, new and full of life. That is for sure true.

Our Christmas tree is covered with ornaments that the kids have made throughout their younger years, ones passed down from generations, new and fun ones we have collected along the way and the sentimental ones we give each other each new year. We decorate the tree in the somewhat the same manner each year, but each year it is entirely different. The ornaments are placed just so, with great care but in new ways and areas on the tree. They have new meaning each year, and shine and glimmer differently as they are placed next to ornaments they’ve never been near, which gives a newness that always amazes me. When decorated and complete I may even be (sadly. haha) caught moving them about, to create symmetry and a better flow. I can’t help myself!  The tree is always beautiful and some years prettier than the past. Yes sometimes the tree may be thinner or not as healthy, sometimes too expensive or too short or tall. But, always new and special, always changing. Our memories and experiences are just the same. We are covered in them, just as the tree is with the ornaments and lights.  Our every thought and action, dream and waking moment is affected in some way by our experiences. Each new year we bring those experiences and memories with us. Whether they are wanted  or not they are with us.

What I want to do this new year is to first see myself as the naked tree perfectly made full and beautiful and complete. Not because I am but because God sees me that way. And that way, I want to be. I want to realize that I don’t need to be shining, glowing or pretty every moment.  I don’t need to be a certain way to be noticed. Just as the tree I can change each year. I can let go of things that don’t serve me, and tuck them away. Just as we take down the ornaments, wrap them up and put them away for safe keeping. Also knowing that we could change up the look of the tree entirely by not reusing the ornaments we have or by buying new ones. We can let go of old ways and memories and change them and shift them in to new ways of being or seeing things, just as the tree. We can even let go of things we don’t need, “recycle” them, or rid of them all together. It’s up to us. We get to choose how we want to be and how we will carry ourselves into all that awaits us.

For today I’m going to enjoy my sparkling, shimmering memory making tree! In a few days I’ll take it down and decide what to keep and what to discard. I have ornaments that have broken and ones I no longer like. I have ones I patch and glue every year that I never want to fall apart, or lose. I will look at each ornament with a grateful heart, wrap it carefully and tuck it away for next year. Although truthfully, there may be a few though that are just not going to make it til next year. And that’s okay. They were meant to be with us as long as they were, they all served their purpose. They will most certainly be missed  but also replaced with something colorful, shiny, bright and wonderful next year. I will choose that for my tree and me!

Happy New Year friends! You are perfectly made. He thinks so.

We all fake it. We all do. At one time or another, we fake who we are. We do this to be polite at times, as to not put our problems and mess, on someone else. We do it to survive a toxic relationship, that we know we can’t leave. We do it to convince others that we are something we know we are not. And we do it to get from one level to the next, until we don’t have to fake it. We even fake it for so long, that we forget just who we are.

Now you may be thinking, no that’s not me. I actually don’t have to fake it. Well, good for you, you are one of the special few.

What I do know, and would love to talk about, is how we all have been in situations where we have felt the need to hide our struggles, problems, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and fears. We have all put up that front, that cover, that mask. There are definitely times, when it is appropriate, and necessary for sure. But then, there is the rest of life. Most of life. Life that is hard and full of struggles. Really hard. Like tough marriages, that are caught up in a cycle that are increasingly unhealthy, year after year. Like friendships that are complicated and difficult. Like parents that don’t approve of your decisions, or judge the way your chose to live your life. Or maybe, for you, it’s your children, that seem to be slipping away, and you just can’t figure out how to build the relationship you’d like to have with them. Maybe, someone you love is abusing drugs, or alcohol, and it’s ruining their life, and yours.  Maybe you lost your job and you just can’t get yourself to believe in yourself again. Maybe it’s infidelity, mental illness, a financial crisis, or worse. The list goes on. Right? We all have something we are struggling with, or know someone dear to us, that is experiencing one or more of these troubles right now. But, we don’t let on. We fake it. We look good, move forward, and don’t let our guard down.

With all this though, what I see most days are friends, family, and people around me, smiling, saying “Yeah, I’m good. You?” Or, “alright, great. You?” We smile, and grin, and wave, and nod when we really want to cry, and shake our heads and beg for help. Why do we say we are “good” when we aren’t?  Well, of course I can’t go around saying the truth on any given day, or I’d be crying at the checkout counter and falling to the ground, in tears on a run. (well, actually, I’ve done both.) Most seasons in life we are coasting along and life IS good. But then when we find ourselves in that tough place, we put on that smile. Really though, we want to look good. But what is looking good? We’ve created such an image of what it looks like to be healthy and happy, that it is just that, an image.

What I would love to see, is more of us sharing our struggles, and talking about our pains. We would all be comforted, and blown away, knowing that we are not alone. So much of our anxiety and troubles, come from feeling alone, and not knowing where to turn, or how to deal with things. When in reality, the person right next to you, working with you, going to school with you, or doing life with you, is dealing with something similar, or knows someone who has been where you are.

This life is tough. It is. If you are in a good place right now, I am thrilled for you. I am. I love that place. But soon enough, seasons change, and we all find ourselves back in a situation that isn’t so easy.  Or, if you are like me, or most people who have experienced trauma, or a painful event, you’re still reliving the uninvited past, from time to time. Wouldn’t it be so wonderful if you could speak freely about your struggles? Wouldn’t it be the sweetest thing, to understand that you are not alone? Or, to be open enough with people, to share your struggles, to be able to in turn help someone else?

I’ve been very open about my life with friends, and people I meet. I always have. I try hard not to be fake. Do I fake it? Yes. I do. And I know, that it’s actually not so healthy. Sadness, stress and worry actually store up in my body on a cellular level, and become who I am emotionally, spiritually and physically. So that, I don’t want. That is why one thing I do, is talk. I talk with friends when I feel it is appropriate, and I share. I share what I’ve been through, and I share my fears and faults. Thankfully, I have. Because with that, I allow others to see my mess and my hope, my fears and my triumphs, my weakness and my strength. Through that, I have found that women, (some men) come to me and share their troubles. I’ve had friends, and a few strangers, (yep) open up to me, and talk about their struggles with husbands, family, friends and life. What is so beautiful through it though, is that there is this incredible, loving connection that takes place, that only happens when two people are open and authentic about who they really are, and what they are really dealing with. There is no room for faking. No room for just “good”. And what happens when there is no room for faking it? Real life opportunity for spiritual growth, emotional healing, physical healing, and life change happens. Just like that. No magic pill. No special therapy. No long drawn out, difficult process. Just an honest moment of connecting with another person, (a lot of listening) that allows who you really are deep down inside, to resurface in a safe, simple way. Sometimes, allowing that part of you to surface, (that has been stuffed deep down, hiding from the world, because of that “fake” you), now has a chance to come up and just be. And when that happens. Wow. Watch out. The mask comes off. And all kinds of growth and healing is possible.

There is a time for therapy of course, and professional help yes. But, what we need more of, and desperately desire, are real relationships with no filters. No fake anything. You will surprise yourself. You’ll see. When you break down those walls and let people in. You just may help yourself out.

I talk a lot about peace. Peace of mind, peace in our bodies, and peace with others. I don’t always have peace though. And that’s okay.

There are times when I feel completely covered in peace, and then there are days when I am so far from it, that I question things. I analyze things, and am concerned with how one moment I may feel satisfied and content, and the next I am let down or worried, discouraged or upset. I am rarely in that place of struggling, and frustration about feeling so incomplete and alone, yet at times I am there. We all are. We all come to a place where we may feel discontent and discouraged. We all have days that rock our world, small or large. But what I know so well, is that we will never feel complete peace. Complete peace, as in always with you, never without it kind of peace. It doesn’t exist. Yes, maybe in a moment of meditation, prayer, reuniting with a friend or family member, a test result that is good news, or a new opportunity that shows us good things are on the way. But it’s all momentary and fleeting. There will always be something that will take us from that moment of peace and joy. There will always be something, or someone that lets us down.

What helps me shift gears when things are difficult, is to realize that it is momentary, and that it will not be the same tomorrow. One, I have a choice in matter, when I wake up each day, to choose to see things differently, to embrace change and uncertainty, or to forgive what has happened and move on. I have a choice and only I am responsible for that. A friend taught me this over 25 years ago. It was life changing . I know that sounds dumb, but I had never been taught the concept, and never knew I had the power to change the trajectory of my day or even my life. He ( Tony that’s you. smile. ) told me that I had no control over anything and I wasn’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings. The only thing I have control over is my attitude. A light bulb went off. For real. It was a moment for me that shifted my way of thinking and being, and I still have to remember it to this day.

I am a people pleaser. I say yes, when I want to say no. I try to make others content and happy before my self. (news flash, I can’t “make” anyone happy.) I run toward problems thinking I can fix them, and want everyone to experience peace, and feel content and cared for. Yes, those are good things, but not when you haven’t cared for yourself. I can’t be any good to anyone for the long haul, when I am tapped out, (not realizing it at all) and not when I am lacking peace. I certainly have figured this out over the last 25 years, but it is a never-ending progression with me.

I am always about helping others, (especially my husband and children) find peace. But what I do know, is that I have to take care of myself first, and realize that the peace I have is fleeting. The peace they will have is fleeting. And that’s okay. What I need to do, by example, is choose to fix my mind on greater things, and to let go of all else. My peace comes from one source truly, and that is God. How can that be you ask, If you don’t always have peace? Well, the deposit of peace, in a second from Him, into my mind, body and spirit, remains with me more than a moment. It fills me to a point of unexplainable joy. In a moment, (just a moment) I experience peace that covers me for days and months on end, if I am lucky. In a moment, I am shown grace, love, mercy, compassion and peace on a level you wouldn’t think possible. It’s a tiny glimpse of heaven, given to me, to share with others. Why isn’t it constant? Why is it unattainable at times, most times, when I need it, and feel desperate for it? Maybe because I forget the source. Maybe because I have built up unintentional walls of business, expectations, being stretched thin, and thinking I can do all things and be all things when I can’t. You forget the source? You know the source. How do you forget? I don’t quite forget, I forget the POWER of the source and without realizing it, I become a bit empty and dry. I become like the creek in the forest that slowly dries up in need of a water. I forget that there will be a new day full of rain from above, creating a waterfall that will flow down into the slivers of cracks in the thirsty dry creek. I forget that I am like that creek. I develop cracks and crevasses that leave me empty, and lifeless at times. But when the rain comes and water flows and the life source for plants and animals and creation are again refreshed and renewed, so will I be, by the life source I wait on, in hopes of renewal and growth. I know it will come, and I know it may take time. Yet, I know that when it does, I will find newness. I will find life again. I will find the gift of peace, maybe in just a moment. Peace to share and let flow to those I know. Peace that I will recognize and choose to see, and allow to sustain me another day. Maybe another season even. If I’m lucky. But I choose.

If we are lucky, this peace will last for a long season. But it will be just that. A season like the seasons we experience in nature. It will come and go and leave us when least expected. We will be blown away when it leaves us, just as the leaves of a tree are blown away in the fall. We will feel cold and alone, bare and raw in a difficult season, just as the tree in the winter looses its flowers and leaves, to be stark and looking lifeless. We will experience growth and newness in beautiful ways, shining like a light for others to see, just as the little green leaves appear, with lovely fresh blossoms bringing beauty and color on a tree in the spring. We will find comfort and rest, rejuvenating our spirits and preparing for the next season in life, just as the tree in the summer that stands tall and strong, looking complete and full of life. We all go through seasons just as all of nature and creation. What I have learned and am learning, is to continue to sway and move, and allow change to happen naturally. I have learned that in all things, tomorrow is a new day, and I have the gift of looking at it, as that or not. I have the gift of creating what I want each day in my mind. I chose to be flexible, forgiven, better than, humble and kind. I chose to see the goodness in all things or not. I chose. Do I fail? Yes. Am I always at peace? No. Do wake up and give thanks and shift my thinking for a new day? Yes. I do. I do so, because some days, that is all I can do. Peace is fleeing here in this life. Like everything else, for now, here in this realm, it is far from permanent and far from perfect. Maybe in moment it will be perfect, and that my friend is a gift, a rare and beautiful gift from God.

I pray you find peace today. I pray you know it’s source, and I pray you know that if you don’t find it today, it will be waiting there for you tomorrow.

About 15 years ago, we were watching old family movies, when we came across one, where my older daughter was saying, “My mommy is really comfy. I love my mommy, she’s so comfy.” She was as sweet pie, as soft as butter, smiling with her golden curly hair, and big bright brown eyes, expressing her love and contentment, with the word “comfy”. Comfy can be used in many positive ways, as a slang for the word comfortable. Comfier and comfiest sound so inviting and peaceful, and may even leave you with an image of a perfectly puffed up white pillow, inviting and waiting for you to melt your body right into it. The word “comfortable”, may leave you with a different feel and idea. It does for me, and in some ways, I don’t like the idea of being comfortable. Maybe it sounds like things are the same, boring, or too easy. Maybe it’s because my life really has never been comfortable, and I just can’t relate to it. Well, in some respects it’s true. But I, like my little girl, like things to be comfy. Maybe not comfortable, but comfy for sure.

What in the world does that mean? For me, an introvert, it means a lot. I figured out, about 8 years ago after reading the book Quiet, that I am an introvert. And what a relief it was to know I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t the only person who at times, needed to be alone in order to recharge my mind and spirit, after being with people. I wasn’t the only person, that when surrounded by large groups of people, felt the very air I was breathing, suck right out of me, to the point where I would feel weak and faint. I wasn’t the only person that walked circles around a party, smiling, trying to look like I was social and having a good time, only circling, because I was either nervous, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed by the whole thing. I’d excuse myself to go to the restroom, (that I didn’t need to use)  just to hide behind a door to take a few deep breaths, so I could walk back into a busy, chatty crowd. I’m not just an introvert, but an introvert wrapped with a bow of anxiety. Not so much now, but in my 30’s,  – Yes way! Now that I know this though, it’s a bit comforting to realize it’s not just me, and that I have friends in this same camp, and they are not odd or weak, (like I thought I was), but rather just made differently, with different life experiences, and different ways of being, that either naturally or unnaturally shaped them to be just the way they are. But this, this way of being, is not “comfy”. It’s actually uncomfortable to say the least.

What is comfy then? To me, comfy is a place in my mind and spirit that comes about when my life is at ease. It may be snuggled up next to my husband on the couch, where he sweetly massages my feet without my asking. ( I’m spoiled. I know.) Comfy is when everything is going smoothly in my life. When hugs are poured out on me, and kisses are shared spontaneously. Comfy for me, when my husband and I are in that sweet spot, and on the same page about things. Comfy in my world, is when homeschooling the kids is challenging, yet not difficult, when my children are happy , the bills are paid, my family and friends are in good health. When yoga and long runs are part of my week, my relationships are healthy, and life is just cruising along to a Bob Marley beat. Yeah, that’s comfy. That’s really comfy. I love that! But that’s not real. And most times, it only lasts for a season. Maybe even, only a month or a week. Maybe a day. Or, like a hiccup, it’s there yet before you know it, it’s gone. Because somewhere down the road of reality, we are all definitely made aware of the fact that our lives are not at all comfy.

In the last few weeks, I have talked with many close friends, family, and met more people than I could have ever imagined, that are struggling with anxiety, sickness, stress or very difficult home lives. I’ve talked to more friends recently, more than any other time in my life, that are feeling isolated and alone in their minds, and day-to-day lives, because of what they are dealing with. They don’t know what to do, or how to articulate their worry and fears, in a world where we all look like we have it together. If you go by FB, Instagram, or Snapchat, or whatever other social media you dive into, you’d think we all are living in a perfect world. But life is far from perfect, and yet we somehow think that someone else is living it.  How can we possibly speak of our own worries and troubles, when no one else is speaking of theirs? We live in a time where we all appear to be content, and on top of the world, through social media. But, if someone could see things through our own lens, they would see that at times, we all feel less than, anxious or even alone. They would see our troubles and difficulties, and not feel so alone. I know you’ve heard this. We all talk about how we should spend less time on our devices. We know we should put down our phones, and look up and around. We know we need to be more present with our friends and family, truly giving them our complete attention. Psychologists, teachers and professionals are all talking about it. We even tell our friends, and families this, yet we get sucked right back into the cycle of it all. The moment we see the our feed, wall or snap we are in competition mode no matter how you cut it. And that’s a stress whether we are aware or not, in some way we are part of the cycle. It’s not all bad, I’m not saying that. I love the articles, foodie posts, exercise challenges, ideas for decorating and design and gorgeous, tempting food pics. I know, I just said that. I love food!  It’s not all negative. That’s definitely not what I’m saying. But if we compare ourselves to the perfect pictures, that were taken 10 times over, for the ultimate post, while edited, cropped and filtered, we will be a bit let down, and left with an image that is very hard to live up to, during our not so comfy days.

The super cool things is, that we were made to be wiser and smarter than all this. Computers and technology have nothing on us! Our minds and spirits are so powerful and amazing, that if we take time to back away, clear our minds, recharge, and look up and away, we will know exactly what to believe and not believe. Maybe not entirely at times, but we will have a nudge, or gentle push in our spirits, that if we listen and follow, we will find what is real and right in time. We are all starting to get, that this fake, perfectly crafted world we see before us, is just that. Fake. Not fake, as in not happening, because what you see is happening, it’s just not the whole picture.  Years ago, I posted a picture of my husband and I on a date, looking happy, and giggling, while having a drink outdoors on a perfectly sunny, beautiful day. It was beautiful indeed. We were having fun, for sure! He looked so handsome, and I was in a sexy dress, (he thought so), and the night was amazing. That’s what people saw. But what they didn’t see was what happened after a phone call, right before getting home, (about to be the best part of our date – insert smile) that quickly spiraled our evening, because of a difficult family incident.  So to some, that quick picture, taken in a flash of moment, on our “perfect” looking date night, was perceived  as the reality of our every day life. It was a glimpse into our life, for sure. But that only told one fraction of it. You get me. We all have this in common, because our lives are not a snap shot. Our lives are anything but that. Anything but comfy. Of course, we wouldn’t share our worst days for the world to see, but I do hope we share. I do hope we talk, and communicate in some way, of the troubles, and difficulties we face. I do hope we get together with our friends, (even at a party, wall to wall with people where you want to hide in the bathroom for a moment just to breathe haha, just me) or just one on one, over coffee or whatever, to just get vulnerable, and real enough to let others know that they are not alone. And not just in the typical way of sharing, where you still need to keep it all appearing as if you have it together, but in a way of being totally real and authentic about your life. Your amazing, sweet moments matter. Your high points need to be shared. We need to see the good in all things. BUT, we all need a reality check in person, face to face, to share the difficult, sometimes awful, stressful, messy moments of our lives.

We all have friends with addictions, depression, sickness, anxiety, eating disorders, financial troubles, struggling marriages, fears of failure, insecurities, hopelessness and loneliness, Don’t you?  If you don’t think you know these people personally, I ask you to ask a friend. If you think that this is a downer, too negative, or that this couldn’t involve anyone you know, trust me, you aren’t living in the real world. This messy way of describing people, is the messy truth. Try sharing your feelings or thoughts with someone on a deeper level than you have. You may be surprised to hear what they have to say to you. You’ll allow them to share themselves with you, just by being real and vulnerable with them.  The only way I know this, is because I share my thoughts and feelings with people about certain struggles I have, and the more I do, the more I see tears flowing down faces, hands reaching out for hugs, people sharing their thoughts and fears, that they had never before felt safe to express. Walls have come down, and light has brought hope to a hopeless situation. Friends that have felt trapped or isolated for years, now express gratitude for a listening ear.  In these moments of realness, that I am so grateful for, I see God’s hand in healing and restoration. I see hope and truth and friendship on levels I never thought possible. I see the beauty of humanity in this broken world. I see connections spiritually and emotionally that point me to God. There is no greater gift than to connect with someone on this level. There is no place I’d rather be, than in an uncomfortable, messy conversation with someone being real. (well there is, like the beach….) But, truly, it is a liberating, refreshing, life-giving place to be. Now, I am becoming quite comfy, being uncomfortable.

I know now, that it takes being uncomfortable, (not Comfy) vulnerable, and risky to find that place of comfort with a friend. Everything in my life that has been difficult, has been extremely uncomfortable. I used to tuck my troubles away in my mind, stuffing them deep down into my spirit, hiding the mess, so that no one would see the real me. I did everything I could to avoid being uncomfortable. Which meant having a false reality most times. But now, I’ve grown to know better – to just be real. (too bad it took til I was in my 40’s to figure it out!) It’s a process for sure. I have realized no matter how difficult and uncomfortable those moments and experiences were, they made me stronger and wiser. Being uncomfortable stretched me, shaped me, and empowered me to be who I am today. Being uncomfortable has made me more compassionate and empathetic for others than I ever would be, had my life always been stress free, comfortable, cozy, and comfy.

I think it’s fair to say we all would like our lives to be comfy. My little girl wanted to remain in my comfy arms, snug as a bug in a rug. But, she had to leave my side, into the oh so uncomfortable world.  Yet, this world that hurt her, disappointed her, troubled her and discouraged her, (like all of us have experienced) also shaped her into most beautiful, confident, brave, kind young woman I know. Had we not talked about my struggles, been vulnerable with each other, and had I not been real with her, she may have turned out quite differently. We can do this for each other in so many ways. It’s really crucial we do. Not so much so we feel comfortable, but rather comfy. Comfy to me, is cared for, loved, understood, protected, heard, and at ease. You won’t be in that sweet spot always, but you sure can create a place for someone else to feel that way. And that, that is pretty comfy.

You are either thinking cool, her title! Or what, seriously? Stay with me here. It was an hour and a half toward the end of my yoga practice, while laying flat on my back, in savasana, trying to relax, and let go of my stress for the day, (which really means stress of my life) when I began to tense up, not wanting to let my arms and hands gently fall to my sides, onto my mat. This was many, years ago, while I was in the middle of my yoga teacher training, and I was discovering what happened, not only physically, but mentally, and spiritually, during asanas in a yoga class. Yes, all three, mind, body, spirit.

Now, I know what many of you are thinking. “Spiritually? See, I knew yoga was a religion. I  just knew that it wasn’t from God, and some gateway to something we shouldn’t partake in.” Or maybe your thoughts aren’t so severe, but you question… I ask you to hold your horses friends. Please follow me for a moment. People have asked me over and over, “is yoga a religion? What in the world do they mean, let go, or open your heart? What do those poses mean anyway?” Well, for every single person, it is individual and personal, and either tied to no religion at all, or maybe a religion. I know, you have done your research, and you have heard many stories, proving that yoga is a religion. I know. I’ve looked into it all myself, and found the truth. Most importantly, I found my truth, and how for me, Jesus was right there, on my mat with me, no matter what the person next to me was believing or doing. (which is none of my business anyway) I met Him on a deeper level, right there on my mat. I am not religious, and don’t have a religion. I have a spiritual relationship with Jesus, and surrender my life to Him. That’s about it. I look for Him, yes, in a yoga class. As well as on a long run, while cooking, on the beach, or the movies, driving my car, at a concert, or while meeting strangers. Wherever!

The funny, and not so funny thing, is that people think that it’s when you put on your Sunday best, and go to church, that you find God. Maybe, yes. But, not so true most times. From what I see, and have experienced on my own, is that Sunday is the day we are sometimes furthest from God.  Unless you really get it, and let go, surrender, and be still, you will miss Him. People get all dressed up, put on that all together, “happy” face, race out the door, to look good, and show up for church (in a building) hoping that no one will really see what’s going on inside. Of course that’s probably not you, and I know that we all go, for humble, meaningful, reasons. But let’s get real.  Some days, there’s a lot more going on. You show up annoyed with your husband or wife, your kids are discouraged and having a difficult time, you’re hung over, in a fight with a friend, carrying around anger or jealousy or worst yet, judgement. We want to look like we have it all going on, so we hold our heads up high, and move through the day with smiles, that don’t really come from deep within, and words are spoken that are not quiet true to ourselves, or expressive of where we really are in the moment.  We fake it.

If you are lucky enough, you have had a supernatural experience in “church”, and have felt the weight of the world lifted off you. I have. Maybe a word shot straight through your heart, and changed you instantly. Happened to me. Maybe a passionate, beautiful song, or watching someone worship with arms wide open, and a humbled heart, struck a chord with you, and took you to an emotional place of healing like you’d never experienced before. Loved that. It happens. In church it happens for sure. What I hope you know though, is that it wasn’t the church that did that. It wasn’t church (your building) where you showed up on Sunday, that allowed that to happen. It wasn’t church that brought you to your knees. It wasn’t church, that filled your heart so deeply, that tears burst through, and poured out of your eyes, down your face . What happened to you there, in church, is what happened to me, on my mat, that sweet day, long ago in savasana.

It was in savasana, that I had a supernatural, surreal moment, and met Jesus on an entirely new level, right there, in a yoga studio, on my mat. It was on my mat, my arms holding to my chest and unable to fall to my sides and relax and let go, where I heard a voice. (not audible, but in my spirit.) “Let go. Surrender. Allow me to be with you, and heal the very part of you that can’t just BE.” I couldn’t seem to let my arms fall away to the side. I was holding myself tightly, and just stuck. I placed them back over my heart and kept them there, gripping as if something I could do, would take away my troubles and pain. Part of savasana, is to allow yourself to be, and just let go. To rest. To let down all walls, all worry, all past and present, and just Be. Well, I couldn’t be, for some reason. Then, out of no where, I was struck in a powerful way. Thoughts and visuals were flying through my mind, and downloading into my spirit. I saw my 15 years old self, in the shower, beaten, alone. and a bloody mess. I saw myself clinging to my own body, holding myself together, while I shook uncontrollably, trying to wash my body of the ugliness that just occurred, crying and screaming, though no one could hear me, cause I shoved my hands over my mouth to silence myself. I saw myself alone and holding on for dear life in that moment, for I knew I would totally lose it, and come apart completely, if I let go. The visions kept coming, and I tensed up even more. The tension became real and I could feel it in my body, mind and spirit. My hands and arms covered my heart while laying there. They were firm and shaking and not budging. Because of that horrid act, in that moment, my mind and body were reliving it. I was experiencing a traumatic moment all over again, right there on my mat. It was surreal. Sadly, this had happened many times before. But why now? What? Why? I just finished practicing yoga, with the most amazing group of beautiful people, in a quiet peaceful class. I was in a good place. So I thought. Stress, bad memories, and pain, have a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it. It began to take hold of me. But, again, I heard that voice. “I am here. I am with you. Surrender it. Right now, let it all go.” How do I express what happened next? I won’t go into it all, because there really are no words. But in that moment, I grabbed ahold of my thoughts and captured them right then and there. I imagined Jesus standing there, over me, with arms wide open, waiting for me to come to Him. There are no words. Really. I am just not an eloquent, expressive writer, to even come close to sharing the healing I felt within my mind, body and spirit. I decided to allow my hands to unclasp, and my arms to loosen and drift to my side. I slowly pushed the memories away, and filled them with a picture of who I am in Him. I held on to that. I held on to Him, and He held on to me. I reached out to Him. Surrendered …. and then, I don’t know how I saw it, but He let me see this beautiful young girl, smiling and running along the beach, laughing and joyful. It was me. My spirit was soaring high and found myself in Him. My heart-felt as if it were floating above me, and my breath began to slow down, into a deep, calm peace. Right there, on my mat, a radical transformation occurred. It was healing, powerful, supernatural and real. I wasn’t in church. It wasn’t on a Sunday. It wasn’t when I looked all together and pretty. It was when I was vulnerable, afraid, weak and a sweaty, salty mess of a yogi, laying there on my mat.

Many people have asked me, “What kind of people go to yoga? What kind of people practice yoga? What religion is yoga? Are they dabbling in witchcraft or some demonic, pagan way of being?” I’ve heard it all. Really. Not to lie, I’ve questioned it. I question just about everything, so I’m not pointing fingers. But, I’ll tell you, the kind of people who practice yoga, are about the same as the ones in your church. They are amazing, humble, sacrificing, salt of the earth, giving, selfless, generous, lovely, kind people. They are hippies, foodies, liberals, conservatives, climate change, tree hugging, loving people. Just know though, that in your church, there are people you don’t care to talk about. People who are alcoholics, drug abusers, pedophiles, porn addicts, adulterers, liars, frauds and broken, messed up people. Right there. In church. Sitting with you in the pew. Yep. They are there. The same goes for any yoga class, and of course, everywhere. And that’s where Jesus is. You’ll find Him everywhere. You’ll find Him with the worst and best of people, and in the most unthinkable places. You’ll find him on a mission trip and on a street corner, in a board meeting and in a night club. You’ll find Him living in a cardboard box and in a bar. See, Jesus didn’t go toward the powerful, beautiful, successful people. He went toward the lost, lonely, hurt, broken people. And those people are you and me. (yeah, you may be powerful, and beautiful, but you get me….) He wants us when we are broken, meek and humble. And if you peel away the layers, you’ll find that broken person somewhere on the inside. We all are to some extent broken. How could we not be, living this life on this earth? It wasn’t in a building or particular place that He met with people. He just met them where they were. He wants to meet us right where we are, wherever we are. It’s just like the potter, working with soft, fresh, pliable clay. He can mold it out of nothing, and transform it into the most precious, beautiful piece of work. It would be hard to do the same with a solid, hardened complete piece of stone. If you seek Him, you will find Him. If you let go, soften your heart, and surrender yourself, you will find Him. It may be while working, surfing, hiking, or in crazy traffic. It may be in the shower, (usually is for me!), or while managing your children, while completely overwhelmed and tired. It may be at a bar, or in your sorority. Or maybe while washing dishes in the back of a kitchen, or in the office, where no one even notices you, or knows your name. But He is there. He wants to meet you in a very personal, real, authentic, no B.S. about it, kind of way.

I’m sure you may say, “Why would you share that? Don’t you care about what people think of you? That’s so personal.” Well, I share, because when I do, I hear, “me too.” When I speak truthfully, I hear “I know, I’ve been there.” I hear, “thank you. I needed to hear that.” Sadly, I hear that often about physical or mental abuse. No lie. A lot. So, if there’s a simple way for me to show God’s love, and power, it’s to share my stories and my pain, that He has miraculously rewritten, changed and healed. It’s all for Him! All for you to see a glimpse of His mighty, radical, never-ending love for YOU. So if one story, or look into my life may help you know, or see that, then that my friend, is why.

So when you are all dressed up, this Sunday, maybe on your way to church, and pass by the jogger on the street, (that certainly can’t be going to service like you) or you see the yoga studio open, and classes are full, or the SUV with bike racks on top, heading off for some fun, or the homeless person on the side of the road, or the angry person in the checkout line, remind yourself that they just might be meeting God, where they are meeting God. And if you’re in church, where everyone looks to have it all together, know that your sweet glance or wink, hug or smile, may mean much more than you could ever imagine. Sometimes it’s in the least expected places where we encounter such a blessing, as His presence. It was for me. Right there in the middle of yoga, sweaty and a mess, on my mat.

I was driving home yesterday morning, listening to the song  Never Enough, from the Greatest Showman soundtrack, (if you haven’t heard it. Do listen.) and started weeping like a baby. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the lyrics, or just that it is a beautiful, powerful, emotional song. But, I cried. The kind of cry you have where one minute you are bawling, and then next, you start laughing out loud, all at the same time. The mix of emotions were wonderful though!  If you ask my children they will say this is an odd thing about me for sure. I laugh after I discipline in a serious moment. I laugh in the middle of an argument with my husband. (not good). I laugh after crying, and I laugh at myself when I screw up. I know. Weird. But laughing and crying at the same time is not such a bad thing. It’s pretty cathartic if you ask me. It’s renewing and recharging. And that- that is exactly what I need.

That’s kind of where I am right now. Realizing that there really never will be enough here on this side of heaven.  It’s been an incredibly emotional year for my family. My move here to Kentucky, leaving our children, friends, and all our comforts, to a new city, knowing no one, has brought about more emotions for myself, than I have experienced in a long time.  Amazing positive emotions, and lonely sad ones to name a few. But, things have now quickly and abruptly changed, and for sure, I am all about seeing the goodness in everything. Because a grateful heart leaves little room for sadness or regret. We moved here with that thought in mind, to look for goodness, and have surely found it to be true. Seek and ye shall find. I get it now. For real.

Change is not something anyone in our family likes. We don’t. We like comfortable, predictable and knowing what’s next. Even though we are up for adventure, and love trying new things, and looked at this move that way, we secretly still like things -just so. Life’s not like that though. Change happens in a blink of an eye, and for so many people, it can be difficult to say the least. This change has been a struggle, but one that has been amazingly life-giving, challenging, meaningful beyond our wildest expectations, and full of lessons we’ve learned, that we wouldn’t trade for the world.

What I’ve learned, is that there will never be a perfect place. There will never be enough. Not enough of anything. Because we sure moved to a perfect, dreamy home, where horses would trot by at sunset, the kids would walk down the street for art classes, and in to town for gelato, all by themselves. (which is rare these days) And street parties, concerts in the park, and bbq’s were the norm. This lovely place in Kentucky, where we found peace, fun-filled days and nights, new amazing friends, gorgeous land, and of course incredible food,  (for a foodie like me, cause that really matters!) and yet still our hearts were not completely filled. Our struggle was now different from being in Georgia, where we were wanting to find a new home, and be in a place that we’d like better, thinking that their would be somewhere we would be happier, more satisfied, and that that would be enough. Our struggle was now, that we were in a “better place”, but our hearts were still aching and missing something. There was an emptiness because we were missing our family and friends and all that we truly loved. I really struggled with what this was all about, and kept wondering if we should stay here, or go back to Georgia. I kept wondering if this emptiness would leave, and we’d learn to love our new life here in Kentucky. Maybe we would…. who knows. The Kentucky grass IS greener! But, what I have realized, is that the saying, “home is where the heart is,” IS REAL.  My  girlfriend, sent me a picture of a sign, while I was struggling with this concept. It said, “Where we love is truly home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” That said it all to me. The emptiness I felt, (we felt), was because our hearts were still at home. Home in Georgia. Home where we loved. Home where our loved ones were. Here, we were experiencing all that we desired, but still, it still wasn’t enough. So what would be enough? Would a beach house in Hawaii be enough? A farm-house in the country with goats be enough? (maybe!) Would more money, more friends, more you fill in the blank, be enough? No. It wouldn’t.

Trust me. The struggle has been real. The nights of secretly crying myself to sleep were real. Watching my younger kids experience missing their siblings, school and friends, was difficult. But what we soon discovered, was that no matter where we were, whatever we would be doing, who we would be with, or however much money we were blessed with, that it would never be enough. Being home with family and friends will be enough for now. For sure! And I will be toasting to it all day long, (with a very tasty lilikoi tequila cocktail) when I finally unpack may bags and return the next week!  But, will it be enough forever? If my children decide to move away, or my friends leave, or someone dies, and things change again, the emotions will come back, and nothing here, ever, ever, will be enough to completely fill the space in my heart that will be left empty again. We aren’t designed for that completeness. Not here. The longing I experienced, won’t completely be filled, even with all those I love, and all I desire close to me. The yearning for more love, more closeness, more safety, more romance, more comfort, will never end, and will never be filled completely. Because there just isn’t enough on this planet, to fill the entirety of my heart.

What is enough though, will be on the other side of this earth, realm, world, or life we live in. What will be enough, is the everlasting, harmonious, heavenly promised land. And hopefully, that is a ways away, as we have a lot of living to do! So here’s to change, uncertainty, and not knowing. Here’s to living life fully without regrets, and being content with where you are! Cheers!

I’d give anything to warm my winter body out in the sun today. Should I add hemp and macadamia nuts, or Brazil nuts to my power balls? Should we go take pictures of the Alpaca down the street, after our studies today? Easy breezy, friendly thoughts, were rolling through my mind, as I cleaned the house. Then, out of no where, like a flash flood, negative thoughts began to run through my mind, one after the other. Like the time I didn’t keep my word with a friend, and the time I snuck out, and ran off to the beach in the middle of the night, and in high school, when I threw a party and 75+ “friends” showed up, (along with the police), and there was the time I took the car, and went joy riding around the island without my license… on and on…the thoughts kept coming, and some were not anything I’d want to share.

I was having a lovely day, thinking happy thoughts, when these negative thoughts, that I had tucked away and given up, surfaced again. More thoughts entered in, and slowly my mood changed. I stopped singing and began thinking a bit too deeply, (as I do). This wasn’t a first, this had happened before, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I used to have this reel running through my head, over and over, usually at the worst possible time. I’d wind up feeling guilty or wishing I had done something differently. You’ve had this happen, right? When you’re tired, snuggled up in bed, drifting off to sleep, and the unwelcome thoughts begin to settle in. Or while driving in the car alone, enjoying a little quiet time, or maybe, it’s after you speak with your parent, and they say that one particular thing, that takes you right back to a time you’d rather not think about. You know what I’m talking about. You start over thinking things. You remember a guy, or girl who treated you horribly. Or the lie you told your friend, or spouse, or the way you backed out of something, and didn’t keep your word. Or maybe for you, it was the night you drank too much, and lost your temper. Or worst of all, you start thinking negatively about your weight, and your appearance, comparing yourself to others. The list goes on and on. Then, that voice emerges. We all have that voice, that creeps up, out of no where, and starts running through our mind. The one that finds its way in, without permission, that doesn’t seem to remember it’s not invited. It’s that voice, we all know, all to well.  The voice we should ignore, but listen to anyway. It’s not kind or friendly and it’s definitely not welcome, but it still comes on in, every time. Well, it was unexpected and uninvited today. I tried to push it aside, and move on. But, as I was cleaning the dirt, and mess, I started to see myself as THAT mess, and heard that voice begin to make its way into my mind. Not an audible voice, but the one you know all to well, that nags, and taunts you.

Seriously? I’m having a great day! I’m in a good place. What’s going on? I thought for a minute. I paused. And then I remembered. Capture it Kira. Capture it. And with that, I said NO. Nope. Not today. Not gonna happen. Don’t you remember Kira? Don’t you remember who you are? Just then, I remembered the new song, my daughter just told me about, and turned it on, right then and there. I played Who You Say I am, by Hillsong, as loud as I could.  I took a deep breath, cleared my thoughts, and began to sing. And just like that, His Spirit moved on in. Have you had this happen? I’m sure you have. It’s a wave of peace and love that sweeps over every single part of your being, and comforts you. It’s a calming that takes over, and stills your heart and mind. If you listen carefully, you can hear His whisper that gently says, “I say who you are.”

I used to be so frustrated, and consumed with why I couldn’t rid of certain memories, or let go of past hurts. I’d pray, meditate, run, journal, eat a bag of sweet potato chips, (yep, you know the kind), stand on my head, (yes. stand on my head) or just lay down cry. I would seek ways to alleviate the thoughts, that kept me from seeing myself the way He saw me. Some days it was a struggle. But, then one day, I learned how to capture those thoughts, and replace them with His thoughts. The Word says, in Isaiah 55:8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” I am learning to believe that I am who He says I am. I am not the thoughts that come against me. I am not insecure, afraid or weak. He doesn’t see me as I sometimes see myself. He sees me as His lovely, amazing creation, and loves me for who I am in Him. Most days, I walk with my head held high, wearing my sparkling, imaginary crown. Yet, there are days, because I’m human, and in need of reminders and affirmation, that I ask Him to whispered in my ear. I don’t think I could ever come close to sharing, or expressing all that my spirit hears, and knows from Him. But I do know, it’s more powerful and beautiful than your mind could ever realize, or comprehend. If you ask, and listen carefully, you’ll hear Him whispering the name He first called you. And you will melt in a puddle of grace, overcome by the sweetness of His love for YOU. I pray you will ask Him today, to remind you of that name. I promise you, you will put on your crown and walk with your head held high!

Yes, I will struggle with my thoughts every now and then, and so will you. Some days they creep in out of no where, uninvited.  Just like today. The difference now, is that I know to how to capture those thoughts, and call them out as the lies they are. I remind myself of who He says I am, take captive His thoughts, and invite them in, every. single. time.